The level of disappointment that I’ve experienced over the course of a year has been top tier. The dynamics of my job responsibilities changed for me two years ago and without warning. If you work in corporate America, then you know that when the role changes, you change with it. I was extremely stressed with the additional workload to the point where it made it hard to focus on anything else outside of work, including this blog which I love. Something had to change. I eventually signed up for a paralegal certificate course in hopes that it would open the door for more opportunities but due to a lack of experience, after gaining my certificate, I would’ve have to take a significant salary decrease in order to get my foot in the door. So I stayed and decided to pursue in house opportunities.
One day a mass email went out stating that another department needed people and this would be a direct hire role. Perfect! I could smell freedom and less stress. My days even gave the illusion of being lighter, that was until after two weeks of radio silence, I was told by management that my current department couldn’t take the loss of any staff right now. I was devastated and tossed right by into the fire.
A few months later, the same role became available. This time, I applied, interviewed, and received the job offer. On the Friday before my start date, I received an email with my salary increase update. The following email stated that training would be in office and was mandatory. Wait! I’m a remote worker and I’ve been having discussions with remote workers in this same position. In order for me to make it to training, I would have to travel two hours to get there and two hours back. Impossible! They eventually rescinded the offer. I got email that following Monday stating that my salary was going back to what it originally was and that I would resume my current position. Let me tell you, crying episodes do not stop in your teen years. I cried and complained until I just took off and requested FMLA. During that period, I couldn’t sleep or focus. It was draining. I began seeing a therapist to help me get through it. I talked about everything that was causing me stress including family matters. When it was time to pay for my short term disability, my case was denied. Apparently my physical appearance was too up to par during our video sessions.
After four weeks off, I received a call from management stating they were aware that my FMLA was denied. I went back to work the following week but this time with a goal of trying my best to find something else. Nothing else presented itself for a while until a call from another corporate giant came through. They said they were impressed with my experience and offered me an opportunity to interview for a position. Honestly, I wasn’t sure about the travel time or the position but perhaps it was time for me to take a chance. So I discussed the opportunity with a girlfriend, who also decided to apply for the position, and she ended up getting the offer, and I didn’t. Imagine that. “Three strikes a charm”, they say. Nope, although I disappointed by not getting an offer extended to me, I decided to make the most out of where I currently was and at least go for a pay increase and promotion.
I read the list of qualifications for the role and I fit the description. I’d advised others on how to get that exact promotion. My manager reached out to me and stated that a project was underway and I’d been selected to participate in it in order to highlight my strengths for the promotion. After working diligently on the project, I was looking forward to good news on Monday. The meeting with management started off by complimenting me on how great my work product is but then transitioned into listing things that weren’t even my job responsibility until recently. There was no opportunity for me to excel at a task that’s happenstance. If the work is apart of a certain case, then I’d handle it, but not every case is the same. I knew people with my desired designation who didn’t know half of what I knew but I was expected to now learn triple what they knew in order to qualify for the same position. The meeting ended with management asking about my mental well being. The audacity! I took the following day off but spent that day crying about my woes once again.
I don’t have all the answers but I do have experience in dealing with disappointment after disappointment, with no clear vision of a positive outcome. Here is a list of things that have helped me to get up everyday and try again despite how I’m feeling.
Journaling – When I got passed up for the promotion, I called a girlfriend who I encouraged to go after the same promotion a year prior and who got it. After a minute into the conversation she said that she needed to call me back. She didn’t. At that point, I realized that this was something that I was going to need to face alone but I still needed to release what I was feeling so I grabbed my journal and talked about me to me. As I mingled the pages with my ink and tears, I began to feel less sad because I took the first step by just talking about it. Journaling does that for you. It doesn’t judge or critique your position, it just listens.
Crying – It’s not just for kids. We still have the ability because the heart struggles need an escape and thank God for it. I can’t tell you how much a good cry does for me. Journaling states the issue, crying acknowledges the fact that you’re human and it’s okay to feel how you’re feeling. Do yourself a favor, close the door, hide away, and provide yourself with an opportunity to enjoy this emotional escape.
Prayer – There was a time when I would spend an hour just singing silently to myself and praying. During this season, that hour has become less than a minute and it’s usually something along the lines of, “help me.” I know He hears that prayer because I’m still here. Most days I don’t even feel like getting out of bed so I just say “help me” and then “thank you”. I’m laughing to myself as I’m writing this thinking about the interview that Meghan Markle did when she talked about the ‘power of yet’. Disappointment leads me to the power of prayer.
Creative Outlet – I’m a creator, created by the Creator. I enjoy writing, sketching, photography, and music. God has blessed me with so much to do with my hands. This year I’ve really found an escape in just creating. Whether there’s financial gain attached to it or not, the process of making something takes your mind off of everything else and brings your focus in on the task at hand.
I know that things are going to get better. I’m just in a place of, what you want isn’t necessarily what you need Davina. I’m going to find that thing but in the mean time, I’ll continue writing, evolving, and creating.
